It's Time For Funerals To Die
74
A Tisket, A Tasket, Don't Put Me In A Casket
I'll get right to the point. After I kick the bucket, I don't want to be pumped full of formaldehyde then plopped inside a deep-dish daybed that has a two-piece lid and gold handles all around. And I don't want to be put on display in a room full of plants and flowers where I’ll be stared at and whispered about by a bunch of people who won't want to be there any more than I will.
It freaks me out to think of a mortician applying makeup to me, smoothing out the wrinkles in my clothes (and God knows where else), putting the finishing touches on my hair and painting my nails as if it were perfectly natural to play dress-up with the dead.
Besides, why bother getting me all gussied up when I’ll be spending eternity just lying around? Will the queen be dropping by for tea? I hope she doesn't expect me to get up and curtsy.
And another thing. I don’t treasure the thought of being paraded around the city in a hearse, running red lights at a blistering 15 mph and looking a lot like a bad reenactment of O.J. Simpson's infamous slow-speed chase: Everyone cautiously follows the lead vehicle, waiting for it to pull over and stop. But it continues crawling along at an agonizingly slow pace, dragging out the ride as if there's some hope of avoiding the inevitable; as if Ashton Kutcher might tap on the hearse window and announce everyone's been Punk'd.
Speaking of a bad show, the grand finale takes place in a cemetery. That’s where everyone will somberly surround a big ol' hole dug specially for the guest of honor (moi). Secretly they’ll all be worried that the ground beneath them might give
way, sending them down into my final resting place while I'm teetering overhead like a blunt but very effective sword of Damocles.
After a few prayers and a rest-in-peace or two, everyone will leave to get something to eat -- probably back at the funeral home. Why there, I don't know. The restaurant ambiance has always escaped me.
In case I haven't made it clear, I do not want to be funeral-ized. I hate the entire hideous ritual. It's the 21st century; enough already with that barbaric practice. It's time to evolve and leave all the morbid ceremony behind.
I want no wake, no funeral, none of that gruesome stuff. Just give me a quick and simple cremation, then sprinkle my ashes over Lake Erie -- the Canadian side. That'll give me a better shot at going over Niagra Falls. I love water rides.
A Voice From The Grave
All that said, I don't completely trust my loved ones to comply with my "no casket" wish. They're a sneaky, twisted bunch.
So in case they insist on planting me in the ground, I’ve written the following instructions:
Dear To Whom It May Concern (we’re not a close family):
About this casket thing...
First off, I don’t want to be dressed in my best fancy-schmancy clothes. Either send me off au naturel or put me in a pair of jeans and my pink T-shirt (the one with “I Have Issues” on the front). And I'd like thick white sports socks so my feet won’t freeze -- though there’s little chance of that happening if everyone's correct about where I’m headed.
Anyway, get the kind with the wide tops that won’t cut off my circulation...not that I'll have any. Just get them. Then put my best Reeboks next to my feet. Next to them, not on them. I want to be comfy.
Which reminds me, NO BRA.
And I won't be needing my watch.
Make sure I have on clean white underwear in case I get in an accid--... Never mind. Put me in my red thong. Yes, even if I’m 95 years old. No sense wasting years and years of glute exercises.
On second thought, better make it my black bikinis. I don’t want to risk spending eternity with a thong wedged deep in my butt crack.
I’m 50-50 about taking my iPod but be sure to put my cell phone in with me. You never know.
Old Rockers And Rollers Dig The Grateful Dead
I've taken the liberty of selecting music for the Farewell Sara party my friends will surely throw. Thinking about badly wrinkled, cane-wielding, antique hippies whooping it up -- or trying to -- makes my mood ring turn black so it's just as well that I won't be able to attend.
Regardless, here's what I'm suggesting:
Kick things off with Another One Bites The Dust followed by (You're As) Cold As Ice. Counter those thoughts with I'm Only Sleeping and finish the set with End Of The Line.
I'm uncertain which way to go with the second set, so just keep alternating Get Off Of My Cloud with Sympathy For The Devil. That'll cover both possibilities.
For the final set, I asked each of my ex's to choose a song to remember me by. So it'll be a medley of Evil Woman, Devil Woman, Black Magic Woman and Witchy Woman. (Yes, I see the pattern.)
When it's time to wrap things up, I'd like everybody to form a line and head out the door while marching to Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead. (If I didn't pick it, my friends would.)
It sure beats the heck out of a macabre funeral.
CommentsLoading...
dyonder --
You're welcome! Thanks for stopping by and thank you for your comments. I just wish I didn't have so much first-hand knowledge on the subject...
Excellent hub, I like your writing. This subject matter will probably stir up the dead! but I am glad you have written about it. When you time is up, who cares about the fanfare?
LeonJane --
Thank you for your kind words. True, the fanfare means nothing to the person who died (as far as I know!) and making family and friends go through all the gloom and doom is probably the last thing (perhaps literally) the dearly departed would want.
My aim has always been to make my own casket, dig my own hole and brick line it and do all this in my own ground, so all whoever is left need do is box me up and lay me down!
Good hub, we probably don't agree about much else, but we do about funerals... I remember a father in law died and we (his daughter and I) went to arrange the funeral, they tried to sell us a fancy coffin, like why would he want one of those?
John
John -- Thanks for checking out my hub and leaving the kind words. It's alright that we disagree on things. As they say that's what makes for a horse race. :) Hmm. DIY grave, eh? You may be on to something! :)
You forgot Johnny Cash singing, "I'm going down in a burnin' ring of fire..." Maybe that could be one of the encores. Funerals are okay for some kind of closure, but the expense is sinful and you've got enough of that going for you already.
Nice piece, now rest in it.
abcd --
Thanks for dead-on thoughts and killer suggestion. There wasn't a ghost of a chance I could list all the tunes to die for. It would be a fatal mistake to try. I'd be buried in music and soul-ly responsible.
By the way, welcome back! Missed our spirited conversations.
Beautiful writing and I agree with you 110%! it really doesn't make much sense to me, the whole thing.. it never has. You put my thoughts into the most perfect words. Nicely done!
Katelyn --
Thanks for stopping by and thanks very much for the kind words! :)
You take not wanting any attention to a whole new level. Wow look at the comment Ralph made. I share a lot of your feelings. I don't like attending funerals so I sure don't really want one either. You don't need me to tell you how great that story was but anyway...GREAT STORY!
Tammy --
Thanks so much for your comments. It's great to get an opinion from someone who spends much of their time dealing with life and death issues. I swear I don't know how you do it! (But I'm very glad you do! :D )
I liked your hub too.
Thank you, mewlhouse. :) And thank you for stopping by!
Thank you Sara your sharing this it is difficult to explain and I cannot attempt to but reading it was helpful.
2uesday --
If it was helpful in any way for any reason, I'm glad. :)
Thank you for stopping by!
ROTFLMAO because my mother would like to have written your words. She's already made it clear that she wants to be cremated, and now I have to talk with her about the clothing or lack of she wants to go with. It could be the strapless silk gown with a bubble skirt she made for herself in the early 60s, or the classic 40s suit complete with gardenia on the lapel that she wore when she married my father...or? She and I never discussed her preference in intimate underwear. Maybe now's the time.
One thing's for sure, she does want everyone to have a good party when she goes. Sort of like get on with life and screw the crap in the past.
Rollicking good Hub!
Sally's Trove --
I'm glad you (and possibly your mother, vicariously) enjoyed the hub. A party would be the best send-off my family and friends could give me. Plenty of music and booze. Maybe I could pre-arrange delivery of a huge cake with my doppelgänger hidden inside, ready to pop out on cue...
Anyway, thanks for the kind words and for stopping by! :)
Oh Sara, this is priceless! I love it! I feel the very same way of course and have made my wishes legal. I love your choice of songs, very fitting for the occasion. Now one is never buried with shoes on. You expect an important phone call then sometime? No one would call but a bill collector ye know? Great writing darlin'. CC
Charlie --
If I brought a smile to your face, I'm thrilled! Thank you for the wonderful comments -- and for the tip about bill collectors. ;)
Just re read that and it's still a good hub! and reminded me that my father always said "Just put me in a bin bag and put me out with the rubbish" - problem was when he died we couldn't decide which bin to put him in, I guessed it was organic waste, but my mother thought that with all the metal in him from WW2 it should be cans, anyhow the fine for getting him in the wrong wheely bin was more than the cost of the funeral, plus if we'd gotten him in the wrong bin, they would have refused to take him, and not forgetting they only collected twice a week and he died in July... we ended up with a funeral, but he did not seem to object.
John --
LOL! You did the right thing, I'm sure. Choosing the wrong bin could have resulted in a huge problem -- and possibly a haunting too! Thanks much for re-stopping by, re-reading and for the fun re-comments!
Hi Sara
Thanks for your hub. It was interesting for me as I spent 5 years as a funeral director. What I found during that time is that 99% of people in the industry are stuck in another century. Although I am in Australia, I know that it is as, if not more, true of funeral directors over there. They seem to just go through the motions of filling out the death registration, arranging a time and venue, and asking you to decide a couple of other things.
On the subject of decisions, one difference between here & America seems to be that the American funeral directors seem to place a lot of emphasis on choosing a casket. On the other hand, in my time I arranged about 450 funerals and can only ever recall one family getting a really expensive casket. Even then it was the guy's children trying to spend as much as possible on the funeral so there would be less money left over for their step-mother. The rest of the time people tended to go for something fairly basic to meet the requirements of local law which says that bodies must be buried or cremated in an "approved container".
Also, I think we tend to do a lot more cremations over here. One option that is becoming more popular is the direct cremation where no actual funeral service takes place. Effectively it takes away the issue of having only a short time to arrange a fitting tribute. Once the cremation is done, people can then take their time to think through how to most appropriately say goodbye and do something significant with the ashes.
The lack of connection with what the public wants is not all the funeral directors fault though. A lot has to do with religious traditions. The more conservative churches have their models of how a funeral should go and noone including the deceased person's loved ones are going to tell them any differently.
Anyway, I could probably go on for ages about the need to drag the concept of the funeral into the 21st century but I can see by your writing that you understand what I'm saying. Thanks again for your hub.
Fantastic comments, David! The "direct cremation" is the one for me. Eliminate all the morbid stuff that I've never once seen do any good. Grieving (or celebrating) can be done without placing the dead body in front of you. In fact, I think it's healthier for your psyche to remember someone as there were when they were alive. Anyway, I could go on for ages right along with you, so let me instead just say thanks for stopping by and giving us a professional's perspective on the subject! :)
This is an instant classic. I love the note to your family (your closeness as a family was poignant and touching...)and the planning of the music was an excellent touch. We share the same views on funerals: Put me in a cardboard box (or plywood if you must, but low-grade, with knotholes - they have character) set to broil, about 5 or 10 minutes until well done. And then the drinks are on me! (But of course I'll stiff them on the bill and the cheap bastards will have to pay for them anyway!) Well done!
Christoph --
Thanks so much for stopping by and especially thank you for the kind words. (This is way better than simply getting your autograph.)
That was hilarious! Thanks for writing this hub and I'll go check out some more.
resspenser --
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the wonderful comment and for stopping by! :)
Yeah, i agree. funerals are silly, and a waste of hard earned money that could go to your family. I don't think mourning is a good way to send someone off into the otherworld. When i die, i want my life to be celebrated in anyway people want to celebrate. Just no damn wake, funeral or blablabla. I just want to be cremated and spread somewhere special to me by my family. What more can someone want? Death isn't isn't the end, it's the next step! :D
Shayna89 --
I agree. Have a celebration in honor of the deceased. They just got a promotion! :) Thanks for stopping by!
Nice... I love your style.
(is it weird that I'm strangely aroused by the 'No Bra' comment?){Grinning}
Mikel --
LOL! I'm so glad you stopped by. Thanks for the kind words and take care. :)
Great hub sara. I couldn't agree more. I do not want to be in a box and looked at like a museum piece either. it gives me the willies. just toast me and sweep me into a little box and do with me what ever but don't put me on a mantle to gather the dust I oh so hated lol. Oh wait I will be dust lol anyway flush me or something I don't care.
p.s. what part of Ohio are you from? I'm in Marietta
Anything Artzy --
I'm about 20 miles south of Cleveland but I know where Marietta is! Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comments. It's good to know so many other people feel the same way I do. Take care! :)
Hey Sara you beat me to it! I was going to post a hub about funerals and preperations and how I want to go. :-) I'm still going to but this is a great hub. Could I possibly link it to mine when I'm done? please? :-)
Lovely hub! When my mother died three years ago, she actually had two funerals. There was a cremation in Britain, and then I arranged for her ashes to be sent to Germany for a family funeral (she was German and all her relatives apart from me live in Germany). It was what I knew she would have wanted, so to me it was worth doing. But I personally would be quite happy to be cremated and my ashes scattered on someone's garden. Or my body parts used in scientific research.
Crazd --
Thanks for stopping by and for the kind compliment. Of course you can link it to your hub -- it will benefit me far more than you, I'm sure! lol Thanks again for commenting!
EmpressFelicity --
You came up with a very creative way to do what you knew your mother would want; the two-funerals idea was excellent! Thanks for your kind words and interesting comments. :)
Excellent writing, loved your style of writing - I appreciate it...
Thanks for the kind comments, Moulik! :)
Boy am I glad I just found you, Sara-this is absolute perfection. What a hoot and a half!
Have you ever read "The Loved One" by Evelyn Waugh? Heh, heh, it's the perfect combination of creepy and humor that you might enjoy. Misunderstood morticians and all that. Do check it out!
lorlie6 --
Oh, wow, I'll have to read "The Loved One". Sounds like it's twisted perfectly for me! lol
Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving such wonderful comments. :D
Sara, no way I could have said it any better myself. What with the expense and all... Who needs it? I SO needed a good laugh today, got it right here. "Cold as Ice", I love it. Thanks for the plentiful giggles. I will SO be back.
A lot of good giggles here and some sound sense too. Funerals are in my view incredibly wasteful things and of course the funeral parlours or whatever make a "killing" (if that's an appropriate word in this context, LOL!) out of the sensitivities of the bereaved.
I really don't want to have a funeral when I die, but I guess by then it won't matter too much to me anyway! I would say cremate me but I'm not sure the ashes would do the soil much good - rather chuck me in a hole with a lot of compost so at least what's left of my body can contribute to new life!
Woody Allen once said, "I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens!"
Thanks for an interesting Hub and some good points.
Love and peace
Tony
wordscribe41 --
If this hub gave you a chuckle or two, I'm thrilled. Thanks for the kind words and for stopping by! :)
Tony --
I love the Woody Allen quote and I think we all agree with him! Thanks much for taking the time to comment. :D
Hey Sara, great hub. I am not planning on being buried. I prefer cremation. My father was buried, he had no wishes nor did he care. My mother has already made arrangements and paid for her cremation. I'll be spreading her ashes in the Rose Garden of State Park here in Mass, when the time comes. Thank you for writing such a cool hub. :)
Cagsil --
I think spreading a person's ashes somewhere is a good idea. Being trapped in an urn for eternity would be a drag! Thanks for stopping by. :)
Wonderful! I want me to be consigned by fire to my Lady Sekhmet and then have my ashes nurture a tree, preferably rowan. Good to meet you. I like your input into our resident "psychiatrists" and have fanned you back.
Loved your creativity and passion on this hub. When my dad passed away last year after ten years of nobody in the family hearing from him or even knowing if he was still alive, the idea of going through all the pomp and circumstance of a funeral was ridiculous. As his children, we had no ill feelings, but none of us wanted to foot the bill for burying someone who had shut us out of his life. Fortunately, his own wish was to be cremated and have his ashes spread on the ocean. That ended up being a great experience for us (spreading the ashes) and relieved us of financial burden as well as deciding what to do with his remains. I'm pretty sure he would have agreed with your hub. He was traumatized by attending the funeral of his grandmother when he was really young and swore off funerals completely.
WriteAngled --
I'm so glad you enjoyed my rant! lol Thanks much for stopping by and writing such nice comments! :)
karent --
Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad there was a positive ending (of sorts) regarding your father. Unfortunately, I'm sure he wasn't the only child traumatized by a funeral.
Thanks for stopping by and please take care! :)
I don't want to be buried, cremated, or anything like that! I can't think of anything pleasant to be done with my body after passing. The closest I've come to a decision is donating my entire body to science. It's kind of gross when you think about it, but at least I would be helping others, and my family won't have the expense of having me buried.
ForkArtJunkie --
Donating your body to science is a noble gesture. It beats donating it to worms. (Eww!) Thank for stopping by!
This is a great hub reminding me the truth of life.I like your thoughts and I hope your wish come true. When death will come to meet me I really can not say, but I know I will feel inside when my death will be closing in on me.I also feel the same way you feel about funeral,thank you so much.
andromida --
Thanks for your comments and for stopping by!
I definitely have to print this out like a living will, I love your comment to abcd, by the way. You do not need to reply to me. I will leave my copy of Fleetwood Mac's Black Magic Woman Album to Sara Tonyn.
Faybe --
I have to respond to say thank you -- for stopping by, for the nice comments and for the Fleetwood Mac album! lol :)
You have spoken eloquently of your wishes. Mine are similar. I'd rather be travelling the world on the wings of the wind than stuck in a little box under ground. *shiver* Wonderful writing and a great hub!
This hub was great...funerals are actually for the living and of no use to the dead.
Funerals are defintely just a way for the living to say goodbye and grieve for their loved ones. The dead do not know you are attending, but I always tell my family and friends to come see me how I am alive.
@Beth Thanks for the kind words and for stopping by! :)
@pmccray Agreed! Thanks for commenting. :)
@sweetandsassy "Life is for the living" as they say. Thanks for stopping by! :)
I could'nt have said it better myself Sara,i've always felt that way about the whole thing.I sure don't want some old man coming anywhere near me with chemicals and putting it god knows were.
Alya rose --
LOL Thanks for stopping by and summing things up so perfectly! :)
I hope you don't mind, I recommended this page here:
http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/31383?page=2#post8
If you do, let us know. I just thought it's really good.
ForkArtJunkie --
No, of course I don't mind. That's very flattering. Thanks very much! :)
I've often told my family and friends to dispose of my carcass as cheaply as they can and have a party, making sure to play some Prince. I hope they listen. Loved your post.
MiniMage --
Yep, Prince should spark the party nicely; excellent choice. I hope your family and friends have been paying attention!
Thanks for stopping by! :)
This was sure interesting. I have not planned my departure from this wonderful world. I'm just not thinking about it yet! But its an interesting hub! Thanks!
Cheeky Girl --
I hope you don't depart until a very long time from now! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. :)
ROFL!! This is a great read, and I can't agree with you more. But instead of the fast fry, I'd like just to be chopped up dumped in Lake Michigan. A little trooper on the Walleye and a bit of lemon sauce please. Of course, I do realize that getting someone to run my stinking corpse through a meat grinder to accomplish this wish my be a bit of a trick, it's still better than sucking up space in a 8x3 spot of eternity with a hunk of granite for a pillow.
" putting the finishing touches on my hair and painting my nails as if it were perfectly natural to play dress-up with the dead "
this is funny and i am in agreement with you about the whole funeral bit. my family already knows that if you put me in the ground i will come back and haunt you until you get it right.there will be no funeral or body viewing for me, if you didn't see me while i was still alive than you just missed out.....my daughter has her own view of what to do with my body she says that she intends on having me stuffed and prop my body up in the family room...LOL
none the less i truly enjoyed this hub and intend on book marking it.....thx 4 share
Good amusing hub. Cardboard box or wicker basket will do me to make it easier for the wormies to tuck in. If my wife was loaded, perhaps she would have me cremated and my ashes turned into an industrial diamond to wear around her neck. I quite like that idea though.
Thanks a lot, now I have no clue. One day I want to be cremated and the next I change to being buried.
I loved reading your hub. Even able to put humor into death.
Your hub is now listed on my blog.
The link to my blog can be found at the bottom of my profile page.
Cheers
Dale
Trooper 22 --
You're so right. It's a real pain trying to fluff a stone pillow. Better to rest in pieces on -- or in -- a huge water bed. Thanks for stopping by! :)
loveofnight --
Well, I hope your daughter finds a great taxidermist and props you at a comfy angle. And I hope she still thinks it's funny when you haunt her for all eternity! Thanks for reading my hub. :)
Disappearinghead --
Hey, your ashes-to-diamond idea just might catch on. It's one way for women to finally get a diamond from their cheapskate husbands! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. :)
Dale --
Why not compromise? Have them cremate you and then bury your ashes. I'm glad you enjoyed my hub and thanks very much for adding it to your blog. Take care -- and good luck making the big decision. :)
hi Sara I loved this hub it really made me chuckle, my mum made all the arrangement for her and my dad and paid for them so that she could have exactly what she wanted. Mum also wanted my brother and I not to have to bear the cost of burying her and dad.
I must say that this made things very much easier for my brother and I, though I am appalled at how much everything costs. I went with my mum to make these arrangements a few years before she died. I was well aware as was my mum, of the not so subtle pressure to equate what was paid for the coffin to the amount of love felt for the loved one. To even suggest that the more someone was loved the more the people left behind would spend on the coffin etc I think is immoral.
I think that my mum had bought into this, and that is why she wanted to make sure that she had a decent coffin and the big funeral cars so that her funeral would be a decent show. She knew that I was more of the put me in a bin bag and put me out for the bin men to collect mentality, though in those days we didn’t have to worry about which would have been the right bin and the fines for choosing the wrong one Lol.
maggs --
"... though in those days we didn’t have to worry about which would have been the right bin and the fines for choosing the wrong one." LOL! Truly a sign of the times, eh? Thanks for stopping by and commenting. :)
great work
I don't know who you are, but I freakin LOVE you!!! I HATE funerals and do NOT intend to a., go to any or b., have one myself. This article made my day!!!
figment --
Thanks!
Meredith --
I'm glad my hub made your day. Your comments made mine. :) Thanks for stopping by!
This is AWESOME!!!! Our family isn't even creative enough to put some "fun" in "Disfunctional", that's for sure! LoL!
I agree whole-heartedly - I, too, want to be creamated and scattered on a beach. If I hit it big before I go, I intend to leave a trust that will cremate me first, then have a massive party in Hawaii to scatter my ashes on a beach, followed by much dancing and eating! I want no crying or lamenting, just a lot of comments about how I could throw a kick-ass party!
Of course, if I don't hit it big, it's Lake Erie for me, too! I wonder what our "killer Carp" will morph into with the ingestion of said ashes??? (I feel a mutant fish attack story coming on...)
I think you made a good call on the thong issue, as well as the cell phone. You just never know...
I love your writing - you have a wonderful conversational style that makes us all feel like we're right in the room with you.
I can't w3ait to see what you have planned next! Rant on, good woman!
Just found this...my sentiments completely. Have you thought about cremation? I love your twisted sense of humor!
This is great! I couldn't agree more with your sentiment! The last thing I want is to be stuffed in a box and done up to look like a bloated version of myself. Burn me back to ashes in my favorite clothes and set me free. I actually even picked out my scattering urn http://www.evrmemories.com/evergreen-scattering-ur so that my partner knows exactly what I want and he can carry out my wishes. We hike all the time with our dogs and I want my ashes sprinkled in the woods. We took a trip to Ireland shortly after we met and visited where my grandparents came from and I want some of my ashes on their gravesite. Go out with a bang, I say, and don't waste precious dollars on all the pomp and circumstance. Bravo!
alekhouse --
Cremation wins over the other alternatives. Taxidermy is a fairly close second though. >;>
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Roland --
Congrats on knowing exactly what you want and making all the plans necessary to see things through. I'm sure your grandparents will appreciate you dropping in -- hopefully many, many years from now. Just don't tick off your partner in the meantime or your ashes might land off the mark. =)
Thanks for reading and commenting!
"Anyway, get the kind with the wide tops that won’t cut off my circulation...not that I'll have any. Just get them. Then put my best Reeboks next to my feet. Next to them, not on them. I want to be comfy.
Which reminds me, NO BRA."
LOL, that's perfect, and totally what I want too. I'm just a bit grossed out by wearing shoes and formal clothes when they're buried - seems a bit like wearing them in bed. I've told my family and friends that if I'm going to be put in a fancy casket with ruffled satin and a nice pillow I'm going to be wearing a girly sundress and barefoot or I'll come haunt them!
Nice article, namesake!
dyonder 2 years ago
Bravo, well written & eloquently put. Thank you, Sara Tonyn.